Thats all. I'm just done. I've been fighting this beast for 10 and a half months and still not seeing any progress. Right now I just feel so emotionally, mentally, and of course and always, physically drained. I feel like I have done so well but all the sudden it is all just crashing around me.
I think that it is now with the prospect of a PICC line here in the near future that I am just so over it all. I have wanted a picc for a while but I didn't think it was an option. Well, now with more testing and stuff going on I will soon be getting one and I am so so ready. I have no, and when I say no I mean NO, motivation to keep up with the orals for 2 wees or so until I can get the picc.
Yesterday I had an anxiety attack and today I had one. I feel that I need a break. To give my mind and body a little breather before I start the intense IV therapy. I have confidence that the IV antibiotics will be a turning point in my illness. I hope anyway.
Tomorrow I'm having my sister call my Dr. to see if I can go off the antibiotics for the next week and a half or so until I get the picc. I don't really see my Dr. having a problem with it except that I just started a couple new meds and I don't know how that worsk, I don't want to stop them and have my body build up a resistance where they won't be effective later. I don't know. I really don't think she is going to care though. 2 weeks. It isn't that long.
So yeah. I have just been crying all evening. It is 3:20am. and at least 6 or 7 hours after I too my anti-anxiety pill I am still unhinged. I absolutely HATE feeling this way. I never had anxiety prior to Lyme. It actually has only reared its head in the last 3, maybe 4 months. But i tell you what, I would much prefer pain to anxiety. I know how to deal with pain. I know why it is there. I know how to explain it. But anxiety, I don't know why I have it, it is an "all in your head" thing, and its hard to explain how you feel or why.
::Jesus, just give me the pain. I can handle the pain. I know how to cope with pain. But this anxiety is pushing me over the edge. God help me! Help me sort out all my thoughts and feelings. Help me also to understand and accept your will in all of this. Amen::
Hi Lynnelle! Thank you for posting on my blog. I appreciate the encouragement. I am excited that you will be getting a picc! IV was such a relief for me after having to swallow all of those pills for so long and having stomach issues. I can definitely relate with all of your anxiety issues. It's terrible when the thing you are sometimes scared of the post is having a panic attack and whether or not you will be able to control it. Anxiety has been a huge problem for me since getting Lyme. Thank you for sharing your stuggles. It's so good for me to hear that others battle this also. I will be praying for you! I will pray for your upcoming picc procedure too. Hang in there girl! Jesus is going to help us make it through! Blessings!
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